Mindful Meditation

A faraway look, eyes glazed, hands still upon her lap, she seeps deeper into her thoughts, oblivious to the scowl that crawls over her face.  Several people cast warry glances in her direction, wondering if the girl is ok, in her right mind, or even dangerous. Heedlessly, she transcends the present to venture through the mire of her mind and begins to trudge through the perilous terrain. Capable of curious creativity and dark depravity, each step forward is a risk; of gaining growth towards higher knowledge or plunging into the depths of despair. She treads carefully, sticking to the well-worn path, mindful of pitfalls, cautious of the new or unfamiliar. Not this time, there is mission, a goal to reach. This is not about exploring the dark, unknown recesses. She needs to be in one piece when she gets there, she needs to be strong, she can’t afford the slightest bit of vulnerability. What would happen if she wasn’t whole when she found it? If she found it? That wasn’t a thought for now. She had guarded herself well for this and it would only slow her down to dwell on what ifs, or worse, tempt her to turn back. Out of the question.  

She passes through the landscape, taking in the significant change of scenery. An enormous amount of effort had been put into breaking down old structures, clearing the landscape, building new foundations, planting, harvesting. She pauses, admiring the effort of every tedious task that made this area thrive where it had once been devastated. She stops again when she reaches a field of wildflowers marked by the ruins of large stones. There had been a wall here at one point, tall, thick, sturdy, seemingly impenetrable. It had been well designed and effective in keeping enemies at bay and creating a sense of safety. That safety had come at the price of solitude and isolation, a seemingly small fee at the time. Living in turmoil, constant fear, never able to rest, pain and exhaustion mounting until separating yourself entirely from the chaos seemed the only reasonable alternative. Those days have disappeared, but the scars remain, a reminder of her strength and endurance. It brings a smile to her face as she presses onward.  

Where had she put it? How far would she have to go? Could she even remember what it looked like? Time had stretched on since she put it away, warping the trail until it became almost unrecognizable. She continued to search, with no luck coming nearer to the source.  Unsure if she was stalling out of fear or if she’d truly hidden it away so well, she moved forward.  

Finally, as the fingers of fatigue began to slowly wind their way around her mental energy, she found the foot of the trail. Overgrown from decades of neglect, the foliage created a sense of dreariness mixed with a forlorn longing. At last, she stands at the brink...hesitating. Now that she’s here the doubt creeps in. Frozen, she calls upon all of herself “remember why we’re here, remember what you’ve done, how hard you worked, how brave you’ve been, how much you deserve this.” It isn’t working. “Breathe. Breathe!” she shouts to herself. She inhales deeply and something shifts, her feet are moving again. Slowly, step by step she traverses the trail. It doesn’t matter how long it takes, she’s making progress, she’s breathing. The overwhelming sense of dread feels like it will crush her but suddenly, the clearing comes into view. One more step and she’s through to open skies, a large meadow, oak trees as old as time, beauty, calm, and a peacefulness throughout. It’s everything she hoped it would be, warm, welcoming, waiting. She made it, she’s home, she feels an overwhelming sense of relief and safety. Then suddenly, she’s back in the coffee shop. Their lips against hers, they’re there, they’ve found her. Her heart bursts open and she sinks into their arms and readily accepts that sweet, simple truth they’ve been offering unconditionally. She finally has permission, she finally has room, she finally lets in love.